A few days ago we sat in our living room along with all four of our sons (a rare occasion these days) and after Gideon's spiel and demonstration with Sheen Genie, a new metal polishing product that he sells at car events, we had a wonderful party, shining up all the metal items we could find. Keys, coins, jewelry, lamp bases, car parts and wheels, ammunition rounds, photo frames, you name it! So many things had sat in an ugly, dirt-smudged, and sometimes rusted state for years because no one thought about or cared to keep them polished and clean.
I could say the same about many things in my life that I have ignored or considered unworthy of my attention. I have a supernatural ability to make things invisible, like closet clutter and cobwebs, dust, and miniscule corner-dwelling creatures. A sad fact is that our relationships fall in this category too!
Rust damage is permanent, and if severe, the object may not be
repairable. That's why it's important to protect it from rust in the
first place. Rust eats away at the original and creates varying rough
spots along the edges. A controlled grinding (or polishing) smooths out
the rough surface and restores the shine.
Some important lessons are learned the hard way, and thankfully,
our rusty marriage has been on the mend for about eight years now. My
husband credits me with helping him remove the rust and restoring his reflective shine. In fact, I'm starting to glow more too.
If you are homeschooling, you know that your marriage is one important cornerstone of keeping it all together. All marriages and all partners are different and I don't expect everyone
to relate 100% to this, but perhaps there are a few universal points
here that will get your attention. Following, is my list for preventative maintenance.
10 Ways to Keep His Armor Shining
1. Remove the rust.
I woke up suddenly one day to find myself
in a rusty relationship. How did this happen? Where had I been? What
was I doing? First I cried. Then I prayed. Then we talked. I had a
decision to make: Start polishing!
2. Admire him.
This is a biggie for my husband and I hadn't realized it. He's bound to fall off a pedestal, so don't go that far. Remember
that he is human and not perfect. Respect him, and admire all those
wonderful things about him—the ones that made you fall in love with him
in the first place—and all of those that came with time and wisdom
since. For me, it required an attitude change of the heart. During one of our most difficult years I made a conscious effort and made him an "Admiration Award." He loved it, and it hangs on our bedroom wall as a reminder to us both.
3. Know his needs/desires.
And act on them. This includes speaking his love language. We took a survey once from the book His Needs, Her Needs,
to find that, out of a list of ten needs, his top five needs coincided
with my bottom five needs, and my top five needs were the same as his
bottom five needs. Our priority needs were the exact opposites! I wasn't
surprised though, I knew that we were opposites and it was one of the
those things that attracted us to one another in the first place, so
very long ago. You can't be proficient with knowing his desires and
doing them though, unless you have practice with #4 . . .
4. Communicate effectively.
I
can't believe how many years we went without talking about important
issues that affected our marriage. We let a major storm slam us into the
floor before we woke out of our dazzled state and did something
constructive like reading and discussing books together. Once we stepped out of our comfort zone the light began
to shine on those hazy areas. A little counseling didn't hurt either.
Don't belittle him or his judgement. Don't talk to him like one of the children. Check your attitude.
5. Hold him accountable.
Finances. The Internet. Don't ignore pertinent issues or assume that all is well when you really don't know. Work as a team to meet set goals and jointly keep each other in the loop. For
years, my husband didn't want to burden me with financial issues so he
handled them alone. I didn't question him, but it was not a wise
decision. Down the road this led to problems that need not have been. A preacher once told my husband that he would not have the Internet in his home—because he would not want the temptation there. Christians are human too.
Be informed and proactive. You are in this thing together—remember that!
6. Pray for him and with him.
I
am a huge proponent of prayer! Praying together will bring you closer.
Time and time again, our Father Above has been there for us, intervened,
and sustained us through the difficult and the blessed! Prayer is not
just for meals, it is for every occasion.
7. Enjoy his company.
Find things to do together. Laugh. Share hobbies. Smile. This
has become easier since our sons are all grown. One of our problems
years ago was that we hardly ever used babysitters and we were seldom
alone outside of the bedroom. Have a weekly date night. Make time to
enjoy his company, just between the two of you.
8. Forgive.
And keep forgiving. This is huge, yet so simple and profound. I have to admit that this was
hard for me to do. I had thought that some things were unforgivable. I
was a grudge keeper. I'd act like I was OK, but deep down I kept a list,
and the list grew and grew and then it got so big that it
impeded my vision and my focus and my heart was in torment. It dawned
on me one day that forgiveness may be the biggest problem I faced. I
started re-reading and studying the words of Jesus, and several outstanding books on the
subject and finally came to terms with my unforgiving attitude.
I found out that I'm in need of forgiveness too, and that most people
really do, do the best they can. If they could do better, they would
have. I'm still working on my forgiving attitude and I've come a long
way. Mostly, it has helped me more fully trust God and be happier within myself. I have to leave the past in the past, learn from it, and create peace in the present. God forgives us as we forgive others.
9. Coat with kindness.
You can protect the marriage coat with love and kindness. I cannot change him. I don't have to like everything about my husband. And I don't.
I remember reading a long time ago how to think of my husband as having
two halves of his face. On the one side are the things I really love
and admire. On the other are the things that I don't particularly like
or maybe totally dislike. Well, I simply keep my focus on the good half.
That's what I've tried to do. Treat him like I would a stranger—and
better—he's worth it.
10. Labor with love.
You know the territory . . . love is a decision. An act of your will.
In
addition to all of the above, I have to mention that you should be his
#1 fan and feed him well. No one can feel good, look good or
continue to run on empty. Consider his diet and what nourishment you provide. Are
you affectionate? Are you lifting
him up or cutting him down? Are you caring for yourself properly?
I'm thankful for the turmoil we went through. Without it, we'd be back
in the same sad situation we had been in. Through adversity comes
triumph. God can even take something meant for evil and use it for good!
It takes time to smooth out the rough spots, but in the end you could have a
reflection of near perfection—a glimpse in the mirror of the One that gave you life.
Make
it a habit. Every time you come in contact with your treasured
man-of-steel, give him a loving wipe-down. If you do this every time,
you'll help keep him polished and his armor shining and rust-free.
I'd love to hear your reflections on polishing the armor.
